Divide and conquer.

Letting go of things is something I’m not very good at. The time I stood in line at the cinema and had coins thrown at me by a boy who told me it was for my plastic surgery; I’ve never forgotten that. I’m not particularly bitter now but that said, if he turned out to be rich and successful I’d be rather pissed off. Would I like to see him suffering? Well, actually yes. That makes me a bad person, I acknowledge that, but I wonder who else’s childhood he made a misery. I shouldn’t let people like that win. He was young at the time and probably didn’t know any better but that still doesn’t make it right. I was a mischievous little cow at times but I never stood in front of people and said to their face that they were a freak. I wouldn’t have said it behind their back either. Maybe because my family taught me to respect others, maybe because they loved me, I had the stability of that. Perhaps he came from such a horrific background he had no one to teach him how to be a good human. I guess if you have no one to set an example you have to make your own rules. Either way, he was still a horrible little shit. It’s time to let go it, no amount of thinking will change it. It was 30 years ago but I still remember it like it was yesterday. 

It’s stupid. I can still recall times when I’ve let people get to me. Like the time the lady at a well known cosmetics counter told me she couldn’t give me a makeover because there wouldn’t be any point. Apparently having a birthmark means you can’t wear mascara. Why did I let that woman’s words get to me? For the record, I wear mascara. I wear eyeliner too. Fuck it, I confess, I wear foundation. I wear makeup. My name is Lady Wood and I wear makeup. I don’t cover my birthmark either. There, I said it. Big sin. I don’t cover it up. And the why the fuck should I? I’m not going to hide away from people who don’t want to look at me. In fact, any one who doesn’t like it can go fuck themselves. A miserable lonely, unfulfilling, non ejaculating fuck all alone. I hope that little wanker from the cinema has a tiny maggot and a very disatisfying sex life. 

Wow, I’m such a bitch and my god it feels good. I went to an assessment this morning at the mental health team. I let out everything that I’ve been keeping in. All the hurt, all the thoughts, all the bad shit from the last 3 years came tumbling out over the course of 90 minutes. It’s taken 3 years to accept that the actions of one person have nearly destroyed my mind. I don’t blame them for what happened. The person who attacked me was not in their right mind. I was alone and I was vulnerable. How we deal with what happens to us in the present determines how we deal with the future (stating the obvious, yes I know but I’m not a smart person and this only just occurred to me) and I’ve not yet come to terms with it. It’s my fault and it’s time to get to grips with it and put it behind me. Like cinema boy, and counter bitch, it’s over. Nothing I can do or say will change what either of them said or did. Holding on to it is pointless. It’s wasted emotions. 

They probably don’t even remember me so why am I wasting my thoughts on them? There are so many better and beautiful things in this world that deserve my attention. My amazing family and friends and especially myself. Its time to stop caring about what strangers think and start caring about me. I’m not going to let a few narrow minded people dictate how I live my life. There are some truly wonderful people in this world, they’re the ones worth living for. Especially if I decide to live. 

@specksygurl

Letting go of the handlebars.

So much for my bike ride yesterday. True to form, I fell off. A car got far too close and I lost my balance. Still, I live to tell another tale. I picked myself up, dusted myself off and carried on. I’m not going to be put off. My body is grazed and bruised but it’s nothing compared to how my heart and mind are feeling right now. I opened my heart to someone and now they’ve torn it apart. I keep telling myself they’re not worth it, but deep down I know they’ve got good inside them. I just wish people would be honest with me. It’s not too much to ask is it?

It’s hard to concentrate when all I can think about is them. I went back to work today. I was hoping it would take my mind off things but actually it made me feel worse. I’m grateful that my manager was very understanding and I’m sure it will get better but right now I want this pain in my heart gone. I want to forget all about the person that broke it. As much as I’d love to hear from them, I know I won’t that hurts so much. But it’s probably for the best. I’ll never have them, so why bother pining for someone that doesn’t care?

Time to move on and if that means being a bitch again, then be a bitch I must. It’s my feelings that are being exploited anyway, if they really cared, they’d show it and not blatantly ignore me. Rant over. 

Anyway, I got my nose pierced today. It felt incredible. For so long I’ve wanted to do something for me, something that would scare me. I’m not afraid anymore. I fell off my bike, I got back up and carried on. I can do it. The tattoo is next. Where I go from there I’m unsure but I’ll think of something. I’m not giving up without a fight today. I’m not letting my mind win and I’m not going to let someone who doesn’t give a shit, control my thoughts. 

The fact is, I fell for someone who really doesn’t know what they mean to mean to me. They don’t care. So why should I? I bared my soul and this is what I get, the silent treatment. I’d do anything for my friends and family. I’d die for them. That’s what keeps me going, that’s what stops me from jumping, from taking the pills in my little pink pot. If someone is truly a friend then I won’t need to chase them. I don’t expect sympathy. I don’t want it. I just want to be treated like a normal person, not the crazy, suicidal one that’s been trying to fight myself. I just want to feel human again, and they did that, even if I never told them. 

It’s time to let go. I love them and I’ll always be there for them should they ever come back. But I’m not chasing after anyone anymore. I’ve said my sorrys, I’ve tried to make amends and I’m trying to make myself a better person. If they can’t acknowledge that and they don’t want to know then, I’ll let go. It hurts but you can’t make someone like you. Especially if you can barely manage to like yourself. Goodbye, X. 

@specksygurl

On yer bike.

It’s been nearly 3 weeks since I’ve been swimming. I’ve managed 2 runs and no cycling in that time. I’m aching to get out but something is pulling me back. It’s not fear. I’m not afraid of falling off or drowning. Some people would call it being lazy but it isn’t. If someone put a gun to my head right now I’d probably tell to pull the trigger but any other time, I’d run. This slump I am in is deep and dark and I wish it would go away. I will force myself out on my bike, ironically, if it kills me. 

People often put depression down to the weather and I know for some people it can have profound effect on them. For me, this is not the case, but I understand why it does for a lot of sufferers. I’ve always embraced the cold weather and the miserable winters. Probably because it reflects my mood when I’m a miserable cow. Not that I actually am. When I’m happy, I’m genuinely happy, and I want to be that way again. I don’t like this, it’s lonely and isolating and worst of all alienating. I don’t want to be around anyone and I’m letting my friends down as well as me. 

*Deep breath*

I’m going back to work tomorrow. I don’t feel ready, at all. But I have to do it. The longer I leave it, the harder it will get. It’s only for a few hours and I know it will get easier but I can’t face it. The thought of it makes me feel sick. Having to explain to someone who doesn’t do ill that for the last 3 months all I’ve wanted to do is die is not the most thrilling of events to look forward too. It’s hard to put into words what it’s like to feel suicidal. I can barely explain it to myself so trying to explain it to my manager is hardly going to be a piece of cake. What I want to say goes something like this:

• Well, quite frankly, I’ve had enough of life and I want to die
• I have nothing left to live for and my job is quite frankly fucking pointless 
• You’ve managed to run this place without me, you can continue to
• Besides, you need my locker, but please give me my mug back
• Forget about the mug, I won’t need it where I’m going

In reality, it will go something like this

• Yes, it’s great to be back
• I’ve missed work so much

Fuck me, I’m so dreading this I’m tempted just to pour my tablets down my throat right now and be done with the whole charade. Just one day. If it’s that bad, then I’ll see. As the old saying goes, it’s like riding a bike. That I can do. Hopefully it applies to work and sex. I guess time will tell. For now, I need to get out on the road. 

@specksygurl

History repeats itself.

Dating is hard. It doesn’t matter how pretty or how ugly you are, trying to find someone you want to spend time with is the hardest task in the world. Especially when you know who you want and you can’t have them. Being in a relationship for 10 years doesn’t help either. I’ve completely forgotten the rules of dating. The dos and don’ts. To be honest, the hardest thing right now is that my heart really isn’t in it. I’m trying to get over someome and no amount of winks from random men on my online dating profile can make me forget them. Or make me feel worthy. 

Heartbreak and depression do not a good mix make. Admittedly, my relationship had been dead for a long time. Trying to patch up a gaping wound will not make it heal. The damage was done a long time ago, and we tried to repair what we could. But people change and no amount of compromise could bring us back together. 

In 2013, due to my profession, I suffered a breakdown. It was the worst moment of my life. I could no longer do my job and my career was over. I was at my lowest. I was acutely depressed and out of my mind. My partner tried his best to support me but didn’t quite understand what was happening.  I didn’t understand either, so I can’t blame him. I bore the brunt of what happened, it changed me. It changed us. I wasn’t the same happy go lucky person I used to be. I saw a different side to life. The one that I see now. The bitter, evil nasty side that humans are capable of inflicting on each other. He tried his best to keep me away from them but ultimately, my breakdown nearly killed me. And now history is repeating itself.

Throwing myself into dating someone when I’m not ready is probably a mistake but I need to replace the emptiness in my heart and the only person I want to do that, can’t. So I need to move on. As much as I want to forget and cut off any association, I can’t. It’s like pulling my heart out of my body through my throat. I can’t do it. I’m a coward. 

Time to run. Time to force the pain on body so my heart can’t be the only thing to ache. 

@specsygurl

The clock is ticking…

Some days are better than others. Today is not one of those days. My heart feels like it’s been ripped into pieces and hammered into the ground. It’s funny how some people can such a profound effect on your state of mind if you let them. I’m trying my best to block them out because I know how little they care, but it doesn’t stop me caring about them. It doesn’t stop the hurt and take it away. If I could train my mind to stop thinking about them, maybe I could make some progress. 

Maybe if I didn’t care so much half my battles would be over. 

But I do. I have a heart. And it’s hurting. I’d give anything to stop it. That’s my problem sometimes. I care too much about certain people that don’t give a shit. Why should I give in for them? So many times I feel like leaving this shitty world behind me. I wish I could run away but your past always follows you. I’m out of options. My self worth has hit the ground today. All the work I’ve been building on has fallen apart and I don’t have the energy to put it back together. I’m done. I’m finished. I’m striving so hard to keep going but I don’t want to any more. 

One more day. Just one more day. I keep telling myself. Things will get better. Just one day. Live it out. 

I’m running out of days. They’re numbered. 

Just one more. 

@specsygurl

It was looking up, but then it fell down.

I haven’t been swimming in over a week and it’s only now that I’m starting to get withdrawal symptoms. Swimming is usually the only thing that will make me rise from my pit. The thought of getting out of bed for anything else right now is near on impossible. When I’m in the pool I feel invincible. I’m not the fastest and I’m not the best, I’m simply an endurance swimmer, but I’m not the girl with the birthmark when in there I’m just me. A fellow swimmer who doesn’t give a shit what other people think of my appearance. I miss having that attitude. I miss swimming. 

I know when I’m not right. If I don’t want to swim thats how I know. Nothing stops me. Ever. I always find a way and now my own head is the blocking me. I can eagerly get out of bed at 5:45 am for a few sets in the pool but the last few weeks have been non existent. It’s time to get back to it, my sense of smell is missing my body stinking of chlorine. 

So anyway, I did force myself out of bed today and I’m glad. I met up with my cousin, who even at the tender age of 21 is still years ahead of me when it comes to talking sense and wisdom. She constantly inspires me and keeps me going and it was today that she actually made me think properly about the future. 

In 2 years time I will turn 40. I don’t have children, I’ve never been married, don’t own property and I’ve never studied further than college. So it’s time I started doing something. I’ve never The Only Way is Essex, so I would never have known of the idea of a list of 40 things to do before turning 40. This is a revelation. I’m always inspired to charity events as my way of helping raising money but I’ve never really thought about doing things for myself. I’ll go into detail in my next blog but right now, my heart has just sunk. 

Todays’ blog would have ended on a good note where it not for a BBC newsflash that popped up on my phone prior to writing this. A woman was stabbed to death and at the time of writing this up to 6 people injured in Russell Square, London. Me being the person and worrier that I am, can only think of the sadness and grief those people are going through and that for one family, their loved one will never come home again. It reminds me how cruel and evil other people can be towards fellow humans. It’s times like this that remind me why I don’t want to be a part of this world. Life is tough enough and then there are others who make it harder for everyone, and those that are just intent on absolutely obliterating it. I don’t know anything more about the stabbing so I’m not going to spout any more sentiment. I just hope in my heart that those who went through such a horrendous ordeal come out the other side. As humans we’re capable of showing others compassion beyond our bounds. But we’re equally capable of committing the most evil and despicable malice towards each other. As long as I breath, I don’t think I will ever rationalise why anyone would ever in their right mind deliberately hurt another human. Put aside mental illnesses and psychosis, rational humans thinking it’s okay to take a life. Why? 

I feel guilty enough about wanting to take my own, but to take life from another doesn’t bare thinking about. I will finish this blog on a positive note, and hope that I can take todays life lessons and turn them into something good. If I can do something to change someone’s life in a good way then I will carry on and keep trying but if everything I do is in vain and the world continues to be the shitty place is it right now then me and my brain will need to have serious words with each other. I’m off to do my list, wish me luck. 

@specksygurl

We’re all going to hell in a handcart (or maybe it’s just me)

One thing that you lose all perspective of when you’re depressed is what else is happening around you. I’ve avoided newspapers and news in general because it’s so fucking depressing I’d probably top myself in an instant if I paid attention to everything. So why chose today to watch the news? Who knows, maybe I was feeling lucky and perhaps it would be a good day. Wrong. 

If the UK wasn’t in a sorry enough state right now with Brexit and the Labour party trying to tear itself apart,  the first news to greet me on twitter this morning was the story of a young black woman in Baltimore US. She was shot dead because police were trying to arrest her for alleged traffic violations. The narrative unfolds that they were in a standoff in her apartment for several hours while she held up a gun aimed at an armed officer as she clutched her 5 year old son. More information is coming to light so the description I’ve given is probably wholly inaccurate but news is so scarce at times and depending on what you read, incredibly biased. We are so easily manipulated by certain tabloid papers and tv channels. The facts are not always clear to see. What is clear from this though is that a 5 year old boy who was also subsequently shot has had his life radically altered for the worst. That’s the thing with death, it’s so much more than just one person dying, it’s the loved ones that lose out (this I have to tell myself when I want out). This was prevenable though, a tragic horrendous waste. A 23 year old mum is dead and a young fragile life hangs in the balance. So why am I wasting my life away? This woman was fighting against injustice, whatever transpires, she didn’t deserve to die in such a brutal manner. I want to find the fight I used to have in me. It’s the only way I know that lives like these are not lost in vain. 

I’ve made a compromise with myself. To try and appease my guilt (again, another thing I’ll get to when the time is right) I will strive to make myself a better person. I will stick to my morals and carry that through into my everyday life. The other day, I was flicking through a makeup page when two lists popped up. One, with products tested on animals, the other, cruelty free. I was horrified. I’m not a huge makeup wearer  and I’m not high maintenance but there were so many products on the tested list that I use, I promply cleared out my makeup bag and my toiletries and vowed to never buy them again. It’s a small step towards making myself a better person but in all honesty, knowing that my fancy lash enhancing mascara has been tested on a poor innocent bunny or beagle makes my stomach churn. This is the 21st century, there is no need to test cosmetics on animals. When people get into the ethical issue of animal testing for medicine though, I’m stumpted. Having a family member with a terminal illness, I know that the treatment and medication they’ve received has significantly prolonged their life and that is in no short reason down to animal testing. I’ve wrestled with my conscience over so many things. And this is another. To be truthful, if it meant having my loved ones around me, I’d happily be the bunny. 

See, that’s what depression can do you. Make you think irrational thoughts, that everything is your fault and you’re responsible for everything that goes wrong. Then, ultimately, when the shit hits the fan and you’re having a bad day, you take that shit and throw it at those that are trying to help. Those that really don’t deserve my jealous and irrational shit. It’s a dark, dark tunnel and I’m only starting to see a glimpse of light, but I’m getting there. Having a torch in that tunnel would help. 

So I’ve started my training again. For a long time, my way of giving back was to throw myself into charity events. Running, swimming, walking, you name it, I’d do it. It’s my way of helping. I can’t fund cures for illness on my own. I’m not smart enough to even pretend that I could help any other way. But I can run, I can swim and if I can put that to good use, then I will. I’ve lost sight of it the last few months but now I need to do it more than ever. All the punishment I put my body through has actually served a purpose. The nervous energy that has fuelled my self destruction can now be used for a positive force. I just need to be nicer to myself now. This won’t be easy…

@specsygurl

Blank: just like my head

It’s been nearly 3 months since I was diagnosed with severe depression. A diagnosis which in itself depresses me. Not so much because I’ve been here before, and I can’t shift it. Growing up, I was mostly a cheerful happy go lucky kid, oblivious to most things. I was born with Sturge-Webber Syndrome and up until my teenage years it never even occurred me that I was different. I’m not going into details, it’s something I’ve had to explain so many times and quite frankly, I’m tired of it. I never wanted to be defined by it, and I’ve always been determined that I wouldn’t.

There were and still are times I wish I was born ‘normal’ looking. But I wasn’t and it won’t ever change so, rather than dwell on it, I’ve leant to except it. Some people still can’t get their heads round it, often gawping and staring to the point I wonder if they’re going to drop dead of a heart attack. I’m quite adept at giving back the death stare. I’m not sure if has ever actually worked and I don’t think I want to know. The guilt I carry on a daily basis is enough, thank you very much. 

So, depression. I still don’t really understand what it is why. I should be happy. I have fairly good health, I have friends and family and a job (one that I have a love hate relationship with). The world is almost my oyster but I don’t want to be part of it. And I don’t know why. 

I once described it as dragging along a massive rock, shackeld to my ankle; no one can see it and I drag it everywhere. Some days it’s huge and I can’t move, other days it’s as small as a pebble. There’s no reason why some days it’s bigger. I guess there are factors that make me feel depressed. I’m not ready to go into them right now but I will the time is right. 

In the meantime, I keep taking my meds and attending my therapy sessions. But much like the title, my mind is blank. Sketchy at best. It will take time to replace what’s missing but I hope I get there. I have so much to be thankful for, I just hope it’s not too late. 

@specksygurl