I don’t know how long it’s been. You loose all concept of time when you’re grieving. Five months. I still can’t believe he’s gone. 7 days, from fall to … I can’t put into words how much I miss him. Somedays, I look at my phone and wonder why he hasn’t called and my heart feels like it’s being stabbed. The raw empty wound of my last parent gone. No more hugs, Saturday night dinners. No more advice when I’m needing guidance. I’m a orphan. I’ve never felt so lost and alone in my life.
I’m vulnerable. Listening to music that reminds me of an lover. The one who most of this blog is about; we’ve not spoken in 17 months. Today, for whatever reason, the grief, the disappointment that my life is not where I’d like to be, I thought of him. ‘There’s an empty space you left behind’. ‘All the love you gave, it still defines me’. Ridiculous that I feel this way. But this wasn’t an ordinary love. It was undefinable. It was 2 people lost in the world looking for something that neither could give each other. 2 people who made great friends, then lovers and then love got in the way. Then it went wrong. Such as life, so often. It hurt so much at the time but I hope he’s okay.
I shouldn’t miss him but I do. Maybe it’s the grief. Maybe I want him to know I miss him, that I think about him all the time. But I don’t know I can handle the pain if my efforts turn to shit. I’m not the same person. I’m not the weak pathetic girl anymore. Grief has hardened me to this world. Maybe I can handle it. I just don’t know.
Losing my dad so suddenly, I see life is so fragile and unplanned. You can map out every single path you want to take but it will constantly give you diversions, nothing in life is ever linear. I’m in limbo, head and heart. Mixed up with grief and a lack of motivation. The 2 men who’ve had the most profound effect on my life and one is still here. I just don’t know what to do. I wish my dad was still here, he wouldn’t know what to do either but his warm hugs would make it so much easier. I miss him so much but one consolation getting me through: he’s reunited with my mum and I can’t ask for more than that.
tetheredinthedeepend 