Sleepless in North London

My mother is dying. Just typing that hurts so much, It’s like a punch in the gut. I can’t sleep. I’ve been awake since 5am and it’s now half past 12 the following morning and I can’t keep my eyes shut. Everything I think of is about my mum, how she nurtured me, cared for me, loved me unconditionally. The strong woman that raised me, is lying in a hospital bed and it’s hurts like hell.

Nothing I do will help. The worst part is seeing her in pain, struggling and just wishing I could ease it. I know she wants to go and I want her to be at peace but it’s my mum. I don’t know what’s worse, watching someone you love in pain and knowing the only way to ease it is the knowledge they won’t be with me anymore. I wish I could trade it. I wish I could take all the suffering she’s endured, the ops, the chemo, the undignified tests and the waiting around in hospitals for appointments. I wish I could take it all.

I’d take a snapshot and show people, this is what suffering is, this is what resilience and fight is. Not with any self pity or any complaining. I wish I had half the fight in my mother has. Even now, her body shutting down, she still refuses the slightest of help, even though she is most in need of it. That’s my mum, that’s what she is. She’s amazing and I’m dreading a life without her.