Here I am, again, on the edge of the abyss with my feet so close I could fall any second. The guilt of wanting to take my own life is all that stops me. If I could forget that there are people fighting to live then perhaps I’d give up the battle for mine so much more easily.
I haven’t written for a while. I was happy. I met someone who made me light up inside and gave me my life back. But it’s all shaping up to be a complete lie. What is it about me that screams use me? I still don’t know if it’s true or not. If I go with my heart I’m screwed, if I go with my head, I’m screwed. I’m screwed either way. I swore I’d never fall for someone again and I did. Big mistake.
And now, history repeats. I’m crumbling like I did, for most of this year. The one that taught me nothing lasts forever. All that remains is the hurt and pain, and the enduring struggle to keep going in the naive belief that life will get better.
It hasn’t. Right now it’s hard to believe it ever will. The world is full of hate and anger and do I really need to be a part of that? Do I want to live in a world where I’m judged on how I look and the balance of my bank account? Where a fleeting 5 minutes of fame gets you more press attention than refugees fleeing a war zone? Do I want to live in a society that values where you come from as opposed to what you can bring to that society? No, I don’t. I fear for humanity.
I fear for the next week, that I’ll get my answer and my instinct will be proven right. All that I’ve invested and hoped for will just turn out to be one giant waste of my time. I’ve come so close the last few weeks, and it’s scary. I’m holding on but not to hope. Hope has gone. All that remains is the bitter aftertaste that life can kick you when you’re down and then piss all over the wounds that it’s inflicted.
Who knows what the future brings. But it’s bleak and dark and pointless.
@specksgurl
tetheredinthedeepend 