Numb

I haven’t felt like writing in days. I haven’t felt like doing anything at all. Even swimming feels fucking pointless. Just the thought of having to wake up every day fills me with dread. This whole life seems so futile and heartbreaking. There will always be something to hold me back, someone to hurt me. I’ll never be good enough to live a normal life, I’ll always be second best to someone and I can’t live like that. It’s like going up hill and never seeing the apex. It’s tiring and draining and I don’t have the energy to pretend anymore. When someone promises you the world and can’t even give you an island. I never wanted the world or an island. I just wanted to be loved. 

Hiding behind a mask is one thing, to take it off is another.  I’m battered and worn out from years on and off of pretending to be happy when all I want is to not exist. No broken promises. No disappointment, no let downs, no one to break me. No one to get my hopes up and shatter them violently and wreck me in the process. No one to disappear on me. 

Every one disappears in the end. We all go out with a whimper or a bang and I’d rather just fade away without a trace. No fuss, no emotion, just blank. 

I’m almost beaten. Just one more day. One more challenge, one more reason to breathe. Try and keep my head up. Try and pretend I’m not dead inside. Keep up the facade. Don’t get attached to anyone. Don’t tell them how you really feel. They’ll only let me down. Why would anyone want someone who can’t even rely on their self?

@specksygurl

Gone awol

The theme that most occurs in this crap blog is how often I keep saying that I’m not going to give in and then I go running back for more. It’s a reoccurring theme and it’s one that I must stop repeating and writing about. If you’re reading this and you’re not me, apologies, it’s going to get boring but since I’m on the theme of men I can’t keep away from, I’m going to list the ones that have disappeared from my life yet I’m reminded of constantly. Think of it as a compendium if you will that I can refer back to when I’m in a depressive state that I so often slump to as a reminder to keep away. Also to remind me that as a woman, I’m really not very good at dating and perhaps it’s me and not always them. 

These are my man life lessons. The men in my life who have left me. Lets start at the beginning in chronological order. 

1) I probably shouldn’t include this person but this is where the heartbreak started. This is when I realised that good people are taken from you and that there’s nothing you can do to stop it. 

I was gradually aware as I got older that I was different to everyone else. My appearance didn’t match that of my friends, no matter what ethnicity they were, no one had skin colour like mine. Hitting puberty was excruciating enough without feeling like I didn’t have a place in the world. Enter my first real crush and probably the one man I’ll always love. I’ll call him D. D had alopecia. When we met at work we clicked. It was like meeting someone who knew what it was like to be a bit of a freak. We were instant soul mates and he’d often bare his bare head to me as a sign of acceptance. He was famous for wearing his trademark cap all the time and rarely took it off in the presence of other people, so for that I knew we had a special bond. He was a kind gentle soul and I loved every fibre of his body. On a random saturday night a stranger took a dislike to a comment he made after one too many beers. He hit the ground and never got up. Even now to write about it, the bitter pain of losing someone I adored so much makes my heart ache in a way I can’t describe. I can’t put into words just how much I miss him. I was 22 and he was my best friend. He was everybody’s best friend. I learnt quickly that life is unfair. I see his sister every now and then and we remember him the way he was, funny, loving and one of a kind. He was everything. I think about him nearly every day. I always will. 

So moving on…

2) Lets call him M. M was a cheeky chap with a smile on his face and boner in his pants. I won’t go into detail but you can see where I’m heading. When we met, everything was exciting. I was single as fuck and gagging for some fun, and fun we had. For several months. Then one day he didn’t turn up for work and I found out he’d left his job and the country. Lesson 2 in life: some people leave you and do have a choice. But they choose not to say goodbye. This is the theme that will become so prevalent in my life. 

Which leads to…

3) Special J. A man so complex, yet so brilliant. Someone who made me think about life from a different perspective. Always challenging me on many levels. Sometimes those of my patience. After breaking my heart and leaving me, he came back and did it all over again. And I let him. More fool me. I should know by now, never mix business with pleasure but I was a sucker for a tall unshaven man especially in the office kitchen over a cup of tea. The tension at work was unbearable at times when it all ended but hearing he’d left was quite a blow. He never meant to intentionally hurt me but some things are for the best. I still think of him and hope his complexities are not getting the better of him. 

Almost there…

4) Is someone who I knew for such a brief time but made such an impact on me that if I ever have a son, he’ll be named after him. Obviously, he won’t be listed as ***** but I can’t name him on here, just for fear that even though this is personal, god forbid he ever actually reads it (he won’t but Still). When ***** came into my life I was going into meltdown even though it wasn’t apparent to me at the time. I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t talking to anyone, and I could barely get out of bed.  Unless someone needed me, I didn’t bother at all. I was having a shit time trying to juggle work and my personal life, stressing out over my poorly mother and this person came from out of nowhere and was there for me everyday. We talked about everything from having kids to our ex’s. I told him things I’ve never told anyone. I know what I did, and I know people move on. He has and I have to. I just wish he’d said goodbye. I only hope he knows what a difference he made in the darkest times and how much he changed me. I couldn’t have got through the first couple of month without him. As a lover I miss him a lot but as friend I miss him terribly. 

Finally…

5) Unintentionally but it’s F. F for go fuck yourself. F for fuck off and stop wasting my time. F for fuck you, you cheating bastard. F for fuck me, I’m so fucking gullible. F for thank fuck I realised when I did. I think that’s 5 fucks. Maybe one for luck? Nah. 

I digress with the f word but basically, this is someone who thought it would be fun to just use me. It’s my own stupid fault. By any reason, I should have seen it coming, had more self respect and walked away. But I didn’t. After everything that’s happened this year, breaking up with my long term partner (who coincidentally is not on this list, at least we kept that dignified) and pretty much losing the will to live and being suicidal, you’d think joining a dating website would be a very bad idea. It was a very bad idea. When you crave love and sex, you might get one of them. If you’re a little bit lucky. If you’re extremely gifted, you may get both. I got one but not the one I really needed. F bolted on me. Found someone else and never even had the decency to say goodbye. Lesson learned. After 3 months, I let my guard down and got elbowed. Next time I go in the ring, the gloves are off.

@specksygurl

la douleur exquise

Some weeks can go by and sometimes the only time I notice that I’ve got a telly is because it’s covered in dust. I’ve never been a huge watcher of tv but when I’m depressed all I want is music. From the moment I wake up to the second my head hits the pillow. It’s strange how what I listen to can have such a profound effect on how I’m feeling. 

For the longest time I put off listening to anything that reminded me of *****. The sudden sharp painful reminder that he’s gone is like someone punching me in the stomach, and I can’t breathe. Some people come into your life and change your very core. He was one of those people and my life is richer for having known him for a brief but unforgettable time. I hope in time I’ll be able to bring myself to listen to anything that remind me of him but for now, it’s just too painful. 

It’s too painful to think about anyone. To let myself get that close to anyone is a mistake, but I know it’s one that I’m going to make over and over again, and I know I’ll beat myself up over it when it all falls apart. I thought sadomasochism was supposed to be pleasurable, but this is torture and not of the good kind. Give me 25k and a few hilly roads with my bike anyday. Much more preferable over getting my head fucked about by someone for a cheap thrill. 

Why do I do it to myself? Tease my mind into thinking that someone actually wants me? It’s fun for the first few exquisite moments of ecstasy, then when it all goes inevitably wrong the pain that remains is so unbearable. All the self doubt and loathing comes flooding back and I’m left with questions that I can’t bare to ask because I know I won’t like the answers. 

@specksygurl

Cut the crap

It’s difficult to describe what it likes to be depressed when you have that rare good day. Day turns into night, turns into day again and nothing significant happens and then sometimes something amazing happens and for a short time, you come alive. The usual numbness of feeling dead inside is replaced for a brief stint with a spark. Through the shadows you can feel your old self coming into the light but them something comes along and blocks it. That something is usually my self doubt telling me what an utter fucking stupid cow I am to get my hopes up. 

This shouldn’t be a revelation to me, although it was pointed out to be today at counselling. After 4 months and 3 assessment sessions, I’m still no closer to reaching either a) a proper diagnosis and b) any kind of clear treatment path. All I know is, I’m sick of counselling. On no part at all from the lovely lady that has the unfortunate job of asking me questions but just because at the end of every session I end up feeling like a sack of shit. Dredging up the past and reliving the parts of my life I’d rather didn’t happen is like stabbing yourself with a blunt fork. You know it hurts and it’s going to bleed but you carry on anyway to see how blunt it is and how much blood will pour out. It’s a pointless action that serves no purpose other than hurting myself over and over again. I guess by getting to the bottom of it, the hope is there will be no hurt left. But the actual part of opening up and letting go is killing me. I’m fucked either way. Hold on and let it burn inside or release all the hurt and let it burn the gaping wound as it does? Where do you even fucking begin?

I wish I could skip to the end and pretend I’m at that point now and I could naively put the past behind me and start fresh. But it will never happen. As long as I have this baggage behind me I will carry it with me wherever I go. No amount of running away and hiding will make it disappear. Best to cut all ties and leave it behind. Walking home with a heavy head I am acutely aware that the world doesn’t revolve around me and I wouldn’t want it that way. All I want is to find a place where I belong but this life is not it. I’m not cut out for this, I can’t do it anymore. I’m rejecting the world before it spits me out again and another person cuts me up. Call it Self preservation if you will, to me, it’s how I live. No more falling for anyone. No matter how much I want to. 

@specksygurl

No competition

Sometimes it doesn’t matter how much you tell yourself that you’re going to stop, you know deep down you can’t. Some things are addictive. Trying to convince myself that I’m better off alone is not easy. Every time I think I’ve got the strength to walk away, I snap back like an elastic band. I’m like a bad man magnet, I’m attracted to all the wrong men. The ones that will hurt me in all the wrong ways. I don’t want to settle down. I don’t want another decade of a life with someone to have it fall apart at a time when I need stability the most. 

I don’t know what I really want. I know who I want, and that will never happen. So. Moving on.  If I could, I’d shut myself off from the world. No one to hurt me, leave me, disappear on me. There is no one to love me anyway, not the love I want. Or need. Any time I think I’m getting somewhere I come to a dead end. I’m trying to stop going down that road but it’s hard when you have no direction. 

I thought today about endurance. Everything I put my body through, I don’t do it to compete with anyone I’m running against. I don’t race anyone to come first. I do it to prove to myself that I can endure any kind of physical strain. I’m by no means fast. I’m the runner who crosses the finish line nearer the back, the swimmer in the fast lane that gets lapped but never stops between sets. I keep going, at my pace. I don’t care if I never come first, as long as I’m there crossing the finish line. 

I’m competing with my demons. The ones in my head that tell me I can’t do it. The people that fuck me about and make me feel worthless. I’m competing with them everytime they make me feel like I’m nothing. Every little fracture in my heart means another mile to run, another challenge to meet. Another way to forget that anymore fractures and my fragile heart will break completely. 

@specsygurl

Tired.

I’m more restless tonight than I have been in a long time. I’m tired. My limbs ache from swimming, a small set due to time constraints but a still, my body is tired. More than anything though I’m tired of everything. Tired of being lied to, tired of being judged, tired of being treated like an idiot. Tired of just being. I keep thinking of pink pot in my drawer and wondering when will I get so tired that I want to sleep forever? It scares me that I feel this way. I don’t want to. I’m tired of being unhappy. I’m tired of feeling so tired. 

I keep going for now. I keep getting out of bed in the morning. I keep swimming. When I swim it’s the only place in the world I don’t feel like I’m drowning. I could be walking down the street and I want to disappear. This world feels like it’s pulling me under and I can’t breathe. I want to run away from it all but I can’t. Where I run to, what I’m running from will always catch up with me. 

@specsygurl

Keep on running

Back to square one again. Just when I let my guard down and open my heart to someone they show their true self. Stupid me falls for it every fucking time. I’m always the one that makes an effort, always the one who tries hard to keep the flow going. Well fuck it, not any more. I won’t be the one to keep chasing. I’m not running after anyone any more. I’m too tired. Why bother when someone doesn’t give a shit anyway?

The only running I want to do will make these limbs ache. To make them hurt. Make them feel the pain in my heart every time someone rejects me. Just when I think I’m getting somewhere, when I think I’m worth something, someone goes and rips me apart. Build me up and knock me down like a wall of bricks. Leave me to clear up the mess while they move on to someone else. 

No explanation, I guess I’m not even worth that much. Well guess what, I didn’t even like him that much anyway. 

Put on my running shoes and run away. Leave my feelings on the pavement and forget for a while that I have a heart. Forget for a while that I’m a person. For now I’m just a runner. I’m swimmer. I’m a cyclist. Don’t try and win someone’s love that I’ll never get. Compete for medals and for myself. At least I’ll never let myself down. For now. 

@specksygurl

I’m a loser, baby

Today is a fuck it kind of day. Fuck work, fuck everything. Fuck you for not texting me all fucking week. Fuck life. Fuck eating. Fuck it if you think I give a fuck about you. And fuck off if you think I’m actually going to fuck you, you’ve not bothered to actually get in touch with me but expect me to drop everything at a moments notice. So go fuck yourself. Because I won’t be tonight.

That’s my kind of mood today. Sweary and miserable. Yesterday was a counselling day and I’m still in a sulk. I had to compose myself and tell my life story to a complete stranger who has to decide if I’m depressed, suicidal or on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I have no idea what I am but happy is not in the vocabulary. Starting from my very first memory, I had to go through my life to the point I’m at now. I’m sure on the next session we’ll concentrate more on when I discovered I was different to everyone else. That should be a wonderful moment to relive. Going through the painful backstabbing moments when I’m reminded of what an absolute freak of nature I am. I can’t wait. While we’re at it, lets talk about how many men have rejected me and perhaps why. Lets discuss the failed relationships, the unrequited love and the many men who I’ve loved and have left me. Oh I do love a trip down memory lane. The lane thats closed due to the car crash that is my life.

I wasn’t always this bitter and I’m not usually. It’s just one of those days where ever little tiny insignificant thing pisses me off. The person who pushes in front when you’ve been queuing for 10 minutes to buy milk. The wanker who cuts you up on the motorway. The selfish driver who takes up the last 2 spaces outside your house because they can’t park a car properly. Stupid, ridiculous annoying everyday petty things that amount to one giant volcano of anger when you’re not in the right frame of mind. 

It’s pathetic. When I think of all the crap going on in the world. Homeless people with nothing, bombs being dropped on hospitals in Syria and here I am, losing my shit over ignorant people. I really shouldn’t. I should let it go over my head. Be and let be or some philosophical bollocks like that. I am extremely grateful for what I have. I’m fortunate in so many ways and I know that. But there are times I just want to lose my shit and throw the biggest tamtrum because life just isn’t going my way. It’s so childish and I’m a bad person for it. Things are happening beyond my control and I can’t do anything to stop it. 

Yet another person is about to leave my life and I can’t do a thing about it. A colleague of mine who I adore is leaving. He has no clue and I have no intention of telling him either. I know what the outcome would be and I’d rather say goodbye with my dignity intact than embarrass myself and look like a fool. I’m a walking talking disaster and I’m not his type. He goes for the young pretty academic type with prospects. I’m so far out of the running I’d need to fly concorde to catch up and we all know how that turned out. 

So I’m not bothering. Like so many others who have disappeared without a trace, I’ll put him to the back of my mind. I’m sure at some point he’ll be raked up again. Most likely in a counselling session in several years time if I’m still around. I’m bound to have a relapse and the same shit will be discussed and I’ll be blogging the same old boring shit and moaning about the same boring problems which are in fact all bought on by myself. 

I need a dose of reality. I need to wake up and realise how good I’ve actually got it and how lucky I am compared to someone living rough tonight. The patient being told by their consultant that they’ve only a few months left to live. Thats the reality. That’s whats real. Not some fucker at the end of a phone who only wants me when they’re hard. 

Maybe I’m wrong and there’s an explanation to it all. All I can think is I’m only good enough for one thing and I’ll never be good enough for anything else or good enough for anyone fullstop. Accept defeat and stop beating myself up. I’m a perennial loser, might as well take myself out of the fight. I’m going to keep losing anyway. 

@specksygurl