Sometimes it doesn’t matter how much you tell yourself that you’re going to stop, you know deep down you can’t. Some things are addictive. Trying to convince myself that I’m better off alone is not easy. Every time I think I’ve got the strength to walk away, I snap back like an elastic band. I’m like a bad man magnet, I’m attracted to all the wrong men. The ones that will hurt me in all the wrong ways. I don’t want to settle down. I don’t want another decade of a life with someone to have it fall apart at a time when I need stability the most.
I don’t know what I really want. I know who I want, and that will never happen. So. Moving on. If I could, I’d shut myself off from the world. No one to hurt me, leave me, disappear on me. There is no one to love me anyway, not the love I want. Or need. Any time I think I’m getting somewhere I come to a dead end. I’m trying to stop going down that road but it’s hard when you have no direction.
I thought today about endurance. Everything I put my body through, I don’t do it to compete with anyone I’m running against. I don’t race anyone to come first. I do it to prove to myself that I can endure any kind of physical strain. I’m by no means fast. I’m the runner who crosses the finish line nearer the back, the swimmer in the fast lane that gets lapped but never stops between sets. I keep going, at my pace. I don’t care if I never come first, as long as I’m there crossing the finish line.
I’m competing with my demons. The ones in my head that tell me I can’t do it. The people that fuck me about and make me feel worthless. I’m competing with them everytime they make me feel like I’m nothing. Every little fracture in my heart means another mile to run, another challenge to meet. Another way to forget that anymore fractures and my fragile heart will break completely.
@specsygurl
tetheredinthedeepend 