It’s amazing how fast time flies when you’re trying to keep your shit together. When you’re trying not to fall apart. Trying to pretend to everyone, including yourself, that you’re coping. I guess I am coping because if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t know I’m not. Not that that makes sense. Not a lot makes sense in this world to me anymore.
People telling you, they love you, then hurting you at the same time. Unintentionally or on purpose. We’re capable of so much hurt and we don’t even know it. I had a theory that if I didn’t know anyone, didn’t love anyone, then no one could ever hurt me. I could never feel the pain of hurt when someone left. It’s a lonely world but hurt hurts. People will come into you life and change you. Then they’ll go. Sometimes, as much as you don’t want to, you have to let go; as much as you don’t want to tell them you miss them. You have to let them move on when they’re done with you. It doesn’t mean you don’t stop thinking about them. But why make yourself hurt when they’ve stopped caring?
I’ve not long ago turned 40. I should know about this shit. But I don’t. I always underestimate life’s ability to kick me in the gut and piss all over me when I’m down. Still naive. I should know by now, life is cruel yet beautifully wonderful all at the same time.
And now, here I am, for the first time in a long time, no secret lovers, no businessman to politely push me away. I’m on my own. Maybe my theory is being put into practice by fate. Who knows. All I know is, for the first time in years, I’m alone. No one on the end of a phone, no one to hurt me anymore or let me down. And it’s lonely. But it’s solitude and maybe my heart and my mind can start to mend properly without someone messing with it. Or maybe it’s been broken too many times and it’s beyond repair. I guess time will tell.
@specksygurl
tetheredinthedeepend 