The hardest thing I found from everything, being let down in love, losing my mum, generally not coping with a crushing depression, is how to love someone new. When someone comes into your life, turns it upside down; how do you know they’re not going to leave you? Ghost you?
I never wanted to fall in love. I wanted to keep anyone at arms length. Because I knew, sooner or later, they’d leave. Because they’d realise what a fucked up mess I am, or like anyone I’ve loved, they’d die. Either way, they’d leave me heartbroken. I am not cut out for any more heartbreak.
Last year, I met someone. Someone I never in a million years thought would change my life. But he did. For the first time in a 40 years, I actually felt beautiful. I loved him. I still love him. And though he’ll probably never see what I saw through my eyes; how amazing, how beautiful he is, because why take my word for it. I know what I know and I know why I fell. But now that’s short lived. Now I feel like the usual sack of shit I’ve been feeling for most of my life. Maybe because I am said sack of shit. Trying to find my way in this fickle superficial world that values looks over personality. That bullshit phrase I’m so common with ‘it’s not what you look like, it’s what inside that counts’ and everyone knows what an absolute crock of shit that is. No one wants to drive the ugly car. Know what I mean?
So, anyway what’s the point of all this? Actually I’m fucked if I know. All I know is, in the words of Nelly Furtado ‘all good things come to an end’. I’m done with the hurt that follows when someone doesn’t want you anymore. Why stick around when you know you’re not wanted anymore? Only exacerbates the pain.
I’ve learnt the hard way, people you love leave. That’s the way life is. People move on. Yes, it fucking hurts. It’s like having your whole body ripped to pieces and put in blender. Every time you think of them, your insides feel like they’re going to explode. Nothing hurts like being replaced with someone else. But it’s life. And even though you’ll have times when you wish you could take the easy way out, you wish you could end the humdrum and tediousness of getting out of bed and trying to be happy, you have to find a way to keep going. Even if it means you have to go it alone.
So you must let go. Accept you’re no longer part of something that kept you alive. Slowly, slowly dwindle away and with any hope you’ll find something else to keep your heart beating until that fateful day.
tetheredinthedeepend 